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The Science of Tasty Doughnuts & Addictive Coffee

Thursday, August 10, 2006


Food chains must think we are fucking stupid. Until this very moment, they have faked openness and wholesomeness, and have pulled it off well. Here, I present a number of big secrets. Some things you shouldn’t know. The elements that make Krispy Kreme and Starbucks taste so good.
1. Reused oil
2. Trans-fats
3. Refined sugar
4. Unpronouncable additives
5. Abused cow-teets
5. Trance-states
Krispy Kreme

Delightful, aren’t they? People buy them by the box-load, don’t they? Snacks for manic-depressives, KK is guaranteed to make you shine - like some ball-less radioactive superhero. A nutrient profile any mother would be proud of, 16g FAT with the deadly triad of month-old, reused canola (industrial grade), soybean, and palm oils heated with KKs special trans-fat frying machines that exceed the core temperature of Hell (4,203,544c). Also, 42g of carbs with the dicky duo of bleached white flour and hardkore sugar (glucose, sugar, high fructose corn syrup, corn syrup). Add industrial chemicals, like Dispersing Agent 1520 – otherwised used in radiator anti-freeze, cosmetics, hair products and deodorants. (The FDA linked this stuff to fatal heart attacks and suspect it is a neurotoxin).
And oh, what psychology. KK generates ‘grand opening’ hysteria with the eager support of generic cockroaches the world over. This is especially the case in KK-virgin countries (e.g., Australia), where duped non-thinking masses wait in a queue, outside, in the rain and wind, eagerly, for 2 hours, only to eat such petroleum-based fried balls of shit by the boxload. BIGGER PICTURE: Sounds fairy floss and shit, but KK “Encourage you to enjoy our doughnuts as a part of an active lifestyle that includes a balanced diet and exercise”. Excuse me, fuck what? Balanced diet? What happens when you eat a KK donut? Your diet is imbalanced for months, asshole. Also, never forget, the acne-ridden, flu-carrying emo teen handling your doughnuts doesn’t give a shit about you, and neither does KK or its executives. You’ll get fat, they rationalise, and become irritable, unhappy, snappy, impulsive, and only buy more doughnuts to keep your self-hatred moving. FINAL COMMENT: Steer clear from this carbo-loaded fat-injected drug-like chemical-laced mega-dose of shit turning us into fat, no-necked, irritable short-fused unhappy maniacs.
CONCLUSION: Avoid spontaneous crying, severe depression, uncontrollable urges to swan-dive in front of moving trains, and complete loss of blood flow to the genitals: Re-sell them for a huge profit to some dumb fuck who hasn’t read this article.
Starbucks

Mmm, coffee. So many Starbucks varieties. What do they all have in common? They source their milk from cows with machine-molested teets, then add trans-fats, sweeten the fuck out of it with machine-modified sugar to hypnotise you into acceptance and oblivion, and THEN, they serve this asshole concoction of slime to you in a Venti size designer cup – 600ml of fucking mind-numbing sugar, heart-jumping caffeine, and blubber-inducing trans-fats to balloon you into unhappiness, crankiness, and suicidal tendencies.
BIGGER PICTURE: Never forget, the acne-ridden emo teen with the flu making your coffee doesn’t give a shit about you, and nor do the Starbucks executives. They rationalise, generic assholes like you think you’re Hollywood material because you buy Venti-sized chemically-unstable coffee, and love to be seen drinking with your generic cockroach buddies. Either that, or you like the world to think you’re stressed, busy, or somehow more important than the fucking statistical rice-grain-sized blip of insignificance that you really are. FINAL COMMENT: Steer clear of this seductively lethal-yet-socially-chic-and-glorified frappuccino-of-death that will turn you into a fat psychopath babbling about how busy and stressed you are.
CONCLUSION: Only buy it to splash all over the face of some generic cockroach who waits in line at KK.

The Science of Good Chocolate

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Chocolate manufacturers must think we are fucking stupid. They think we don’t know what constitutes good chocolate. Well, not any more. Here, I present a secret. A big fucking secret. Something you shouldn’t know. The three elements that make chocolate good.

1. Cocoa to sugar ratio
2. Quality of ingredients used
3. Absence of colourings and chemicals

Collectively, these factors dictate how chocolate tastes, feels in your mouth, and makes you feel afterwards. Research you may have heard promising that 'chocolate can be beneficial for your health' needs to be clarified. When that story broke out, fat women everywhere started eating chocolate by the trolley-load, feeling liberated in their menstruation-induced chocolate-fury. But, fuck no. That shit is incorrect and out of context. It’s really the COCOA in chocolate that has any healthful effects. The COCOA contains flavonol’s, which are the mystical phytonutrients that prevent oxidation, stimulate your immune system, and fight cancer. So, let’s look at the top 3 and worst 3 chocolates you can eat, based on these criteria.


WORST 3 Chocolates ever


3. Hershey’s. Nasty chocolate that traditionally has some form of peanut in it, which is invariably sourced from the pits of Kazakhstan. Their chocolate is also packed with stabilisers and pesticides, not to mention colourings. The taste is bland and overly sweet (36%), and they add fuck all cocoa (around 18%). Eat one square a year.




2. M&Ms. Cheap chocolate intelligently enclosed in a sugar-shell full of vibrant colourings and pesticides that will make your testicles shrink, breasts sag, and your emotions messy. These traditionally contain more sugar (68%) than cocoa (17%). The ingredients are also super-refined and trans-fatty. Their consistency is a blend between crunchy and sticky, and the crunchy bits tend to stick to your teeth and dislodge in your esophageus, causing internal bleeding. Inappropriately sweet. Steer clear.




1. Cadbury. Cheap chocolate modelled on the worlds best plastic. Enough chemicals, additives, and colourings to cause your intestines to quiver in a rage of constipation, and possibly make you severely depressed. This chocolate has more sugar (73%) than cocoa (14%). It is made from super-refined ingredients which can only be handled bald men in white lab coats. The consistency is more like cooking chocolate, and tends to invade and stick to the teeth. Inappropriately sweet. Throw away, or give away as a present to some dumb whore who hasn’t read this article.


BEST 3 Chocolates ever




3. Guylian Seashells. Oh baby. High-end chocolate, made with relatively fine ingredients that are sourced from the Mediterranean. The hazelnuts are slow-roasted, and the chocolate is made with Belgian milk. The cocoa comes from real cocoa beans sourced from West Africa – the only place it should come from. Traditionally, has a high cocoa content (40%+), no pesticides, and a perfect blend of sweetness (25%) and chocolate to the palate. Fucking delicious.




2. Lindt 70% Cocoa. Almost perfect. Has very little sugar (10%) and a 70% cocoa. This is REAL chocolate, motherfucker. Very few ingredients, but what they use are exceptional in quality, sourced from eastern Europe and west Africa. Absolutely no pesticides, colourings or chemicals. Texture is superb, velvety and intense. 70% west African cocoa gives you the flavonol’s you need to succeed.



1. Lindt 85% Cocoa. Bam. Perfect. Put simply, the best fucking chocolate available on the planet. Only try this if you are as hardcore as me, and are prepared to cope with an energy boost, booming erection, constant smile, white teeth, and fuckloads of dopamine. So little sugar (8%), so much cocoa (85%), no colourings, no pesticides, pure ingredients. Texture is velvety and very intense and dark. This is the chocolate of all chocolates, motherfucker. Eat, and you will get laid, win a million dollars, and be famous. What are you waiting for, you generic asshole?


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