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The Science of Tasty Doughnuts & Addictive Coffee

Thursday, August 10, 2006


Food chains must think we are fucking stupid. Until this very moment, they have faked openness and wholesomeness, and have pulled it off well. Here, I present a number of big secrets. Some things you shouldn’t know. The elements that make Krispy Kreme and Starbucks taste so good.
1. Reused oil
2. Trans-fats
3. Refined sugar
4. Unpronouncable additives
5. Abused cow-teets
5. Trance-states
Krispy Kreme

Delightful, aren’t they? People buy them by the box-load, don’t they? Snacks for manic-depressives, KK is guaranteed to make you shine - like some ball-less radioactive superhero. A nutrient profile any mother would be proud of, 16g FAT with the deadly triad of month-old, reused canola (industrial grade), soybean, and palm oils heated with KKs special trans-fat frying machines that exceed the core temperature of Hell (4,203,544c). Also, 42g of carbs with the dicky duo of bleached white flour and hardkore sugar (glucose, sugar, high fructose corn syrup, corn syrup). Add industrial chemicals, like Dispersing Agent 1520 – otherwised used in radiator anti-freeze, cosmetics, hair products and deodorants. (The FDA linked this stuff to fatal heart attacks and suspect it is a neurotoxin).
And oh, what psychology. KK generates ‘grand opening’ hysteria with the eager support of generic cockroaches the world over. This is especially the case in KK-virgin countries (e.g., Australia), where duped non-thinking masses wait in a queue, outside, in the rain and wind, eagerly, for 2 hours, only to eat such petroleum-based fried balls of shit by the boxload. BIGGER PICTURE: Sounds fairy floss and shit, but KK “Encourage you to enjoy our doughnuts as a part of an active lifestyle that includes a balanced diet and exercise”. Excuse me, fuck what? Balanced diet? What happens when you eat a KK donut? Your diet is imbalanced for months, asshole. Also, never forget, the acne-ridden, flu-carrying emo teen handling your doughnuts doesn’t give a shit about you, and neither does KK or its executives. You’ll get fat, they rationalise, and become irritable, unhappy, snappy, impulsive, and only buy more doughnuts to keep your self-hatred moving. FINAL COMMENT: Steer clear from this carbo-loaded fat-injected drug-like chemical-laced mega-dose of shit turning us into fat, no-necked, irritable short-fused unhappy maniacs.
CONCLUSION: Avoid spontaneous crying, severe depression, uncontrollable urges to swan-dive in front of moving trains, and complete loss of blood flow to the genitals: Re-sell them for a huge profit to some dumb fuck who hasn’t read this article.
Starbucks

Mmm, coffee. So many Starbucks varieties. What do they all have in common? They source their milk from cows with machine-molested teets, then add trans-fats, sweeten the fuck out of it with machine-modified sugar to hypnotise you into acceptance and oblivion, and THEN, they serve this asshole concoction of slime to you in a Venti size designer cup – 600ml of fucking mind-numbing sugar, heart-jumping caffeine, and blubber-inducing trans-fats to balloon you into unhappiness, crankiness, and suicidal tendencies.
BIGGER PICTURE: Never forget, the acne-ridden emo teen with the flu making your coffee doesn’t give a shit about you, and nor do the Starbucks executives. They rationalise, generic assholes like you think you’re Hollywood material because you buy Venti-sized chemically-unstable coffee, and love to be seen drinking with your generic cockroach buddies. Either that, or you like the world to think you’re stressed, busy, or somehow more important than the fucking statistical rice-grain-sized blip of insignificance that you really are. FINAL COMMENT: Steer clear of this seductively lethal-yet-socially-chic-and-glorified frappuccino-of-death that will turn you into a fat psychopath babbling about how busy and stressed you are.
CONCLUSION: Only buy it to splash all over the face of some generic cockroach who waits in line at KK.


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