What a mind job.

Chocolate manufacturers must think we are fucking stupid. They think we don’t know what constitutes good chocolate. Well, not any more. Here, I present a secret. A big fucking secret. Something you shouldn’t know. The three elements that make chocolate good.

1. Cocoa to sugar ratio
2. Quality of ingredients used
3. Absence of colourings and chemicals

Collectively, these factors dictate how chocolate tastes, feels in your mouth, and makes you feel afterwards. Research you may have heard promising that 'chocolate can be beneficial for your health' needs to be clarified. When that story broke out, fat women everywhere started eating chocolate by the trolley-load, feeling liberated in their menstruation-induced chocolate-fury. But, fuck no. That shit is incorrect and out of context. It’s really the COCOA in chocolate that has any healthful effects. The COCOA contains flavonol’s, which are the mystical phytonutrients that prevent oxidation, stimulate your immune system, and fight cancer. So, let’s look at the top 3 and worst 3 chocolates you can eat, based on these criteria.

WORST 3 Chocolates ever

3. Hershey’s. Nasty chocolate that traditionally has some form of peanut in it, which is invariably sourced from the pits of Kazakhstan. Their chocolate is also packed with stabilisers and pesticides, not to mention colourings. The taste is bland and overly sweet (36%), and they add fuck all cocoa (around 18%). Eat one square a year.

2. M&Ms. Cheap chocolate intelligently enclosed in a sugar-shell full of vibrant colourings and pesticides that will make your testicles shrink, breasts sag, and your emotions messy. These traditionally contain more sugar (68%) than cocoa (17%). The ingredients are also super-refined and trans-fatty. Their consistency is a blend between crunchy and sticky, and the crunchy bits tend to stick to your teeth and dislodge in your esophageus, causing internal bleeding. Inappropriately sweet. Steer clear.

1. Cadbury. Cheap chocolate modelled on the worlds best plastic. Enough chemicals, additives, and colourings to cause your intestines to quiver in a rage of constipation, and possibly make you severely depressed. This chocolate has more sugar (73%) than cocoa (14%). It is made from super-refined ingredients which can only be handled bald men in white lab coats. The consistency is more like cooking chocolate, and tends to invade and stick to the teeth. Inappropriately sweet. Throw away, or give away as a present to some dumb whore who hasn’t read this article.

BEST 3 Chocolates ever

3. Guylian Seashells. Oh baby. High-end chocolate, made with relatively fine ingredients that are sourced from the Mediterranean. The hazelnuts are slow-roasted, and the chocolate is made with Belgian milk. The cocoa comes from real cocoa beans sourced from West Africa – the only place it should come from. Traditionally, has a high cocoa content (40%+), no pesticides, and a perfect blend of sweetness (25%) and chocolate to the palate. Fucking delicious.




2. Lindt 70% Cocoa. Almost perfect. Has very little sugar (10%) and a 70% cocoa. This is REAL chocolate, motherfucker. Very few ingredients, but what they use are exceptional in quality, sourced from eastern Europe and west Africa. Absolutely no pesticides, colourings or chemicals. Texture is superb, velvety and intense. 70% west African cocoa gives you the flavonol’s you need to succeed.

1. Lindt 85% Cocoa. Bam. Perfect. Put simply, the best fucking chocolate available on the planet. Only try this if you are as hardcore as me, and are prepared to cope with an energy boost, booming erection, constant smile, white teeth, and fuckloads of dopamine. So little sugar (8%), so much cocoa (85%), no colourings, no pesticides, pure ingredients. Texture is velvety and very intense and dark. This is the chocolate of all chocolates, motherfucker. Eat, and you will get laid, win a million dollars, and be famous. What are you waiting for, you generic asshole?