The 3 Golden Rules of Communication
1. Remember, no one gives a fuck about you
You may, at some stage, feel compelled to share intricate details of your life with other people. Sure, you rationalise, "I’m pretty important, I live an interesting life". Sure, you jest, people will be fixated on your words like a fat bitch loves mud cake. But, consider one fact, if you would: Your life is pathetic. And, you are boring. No one wants to hear you speak, let alone digest random ramblings about your irrelevant existence and the particular way in which you perceive it. What you do, interests nobody beyond yourself. So, before you decide to tempt fate (and ask for an elbow to the face), spare the poor piece of shit you are conversing with. Unless such disclosure is solicited (see out clause below), simply shut the fuck up. It really works, I promise. Now, how's that for a dose of reality, you babbling fuck-stick? Good! Keep reading.
OUT CLAUSE: This rule need not be heeded if you are detailing: 1) how you won more than $1,000,000 in a lottery draw, and 2) how you plan on buying the listener a range of quality gifts, like a couple of Mont Blanc Starwalker pens). SIDE NOTE: Readers are now able to donate any number of Mont Blanc Starwalker pens (genuine only, please) to the author of this blog – the noble Yayo Banderas. In return, he will publicise your name, photograph, personal message, and then publicly honour you with a 500-word essay about how you rule his world.
2. Don’t go visiting when you are sick
Listen here, you germy, sniffily motherfucker. What balls you have, splashing your active snot into the faces of innocent people. You have one very brief out-clause:
OUT CLAUSE: This rule is not applicable if your listener ‘friend’ is really a miserable fuckball. You know, that annoying motherfucker who repeatedly violates rule #1 above? Fuck them. Visit them, under the guise of honest, open friendliness. Smile, wave. Then breathe on that sorry piece of shit. (DISCLAIMER: This advice has not been evaluated by the FDA. Not intended for serious contagious illnesses, only the common cold. Jees, what the fuck were you thinking, you sadistic asshole?)
3. Don’t answer your mobile phone when talking to a real human
Did you hear that, you pseudo-important ‘consultant’ hero? Why does that annoying gimp who calls your mobile phone automatically attract more attention than the real human you are exchanging tangible words and values with? But there you are, staring off into space, duped into the illusion that you are some kind of movie star. Your voice is elevated, your posture is erect, your eyebrows are raised, and your breathing is shallow. Yes, that’s right. The hallmark characteristics of a bamboozled fag. Yet, you think you’re special? Privileged? I jest not, little one. Reality-perception means valuing the real-life human you can see, touch, and feel. Pseudo-stardom means thinking you’re ‘the shit’ when someone rings your mobile phone. Now, respect yourself, turtle head. Don’t make a cock of yourself. Turn that shit flip/twist/slide Nokia off. NOW.
OUTCLAUSE: The only two exceptions to this rule are calls from the state lottery consultant, and your mother. Don’t disrespect your mother. You got that, coconut-ass? Good, now fuck off.
This entry was posted
on Saturday, July 01, 2006 at 9:01 PM.
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11:02 PM, July 01, 2006You are absolutely right. I agree with you a hundred percent.
12:17 PM, August 22, 2006
Amen sister.
1:05 PM, September 07, 2006
*its all about me....
8:46 AM, October 30, 2007
So why are you rambling now?
3:27 AM, August 15, 2008
third class language,absolutely useless
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