What a mind job.

Roof method



Class: 7, Skill required,: 9, Risk assessment: 9.8, Impression: 10.

DIRECTIONS: Pounce on the roof of a passing car. Secure your propeller hat, set it to “fly”. Gain enough momentum before the asshole driving the car gets caught at a red light. Leap into the air before the car loses momentum. You should find yourself gaining altitude rapidly, indicating your propeller hat is fully functional. Steer yourself with skyward head movements. Hover directly above your designated location, remove hat. You may find yourself plummeting at a speed of 2800ft/sec. This is normal. You may report a loss of vision and/or consciousness. This is also normal. You may want to ignore pre-recorded pleas from the hat to “pull up, pull up”. Perfect for making a grand entrance, and impressing that girl you want to fuck in the ass. Just don’t die doing it, idiot.

Refried Beans method:

Class: 5, Skill required,: 3, Risk assessment: 4.5, Impression: 7.

DIRECTIONS: Eat several cans of Refried Beans. Wait for gastic pressure to rise to approx. 400psi/kg. Seat yourself in an assless chair. Take the helm, and fart until you feel the earth, move, under your feet. Soar, up and above, baby. Soar high, and take your chair to the highest of heights.

You may run out of gas needed for your journey. This is normal. Simply steer over Europe, and inhale recycled diesel fuel. If this fails to reignite your gastric flatus, proceed to emergency landing procedure: Land in Afghanistan while screaming out “Allah is great”. Several men in white sheets will break your fall.

Rickshaw method

Class: 10, Skill required,: 0, Risk assessment: 1, Impression: 10.

DIRECTIONS: Eat at various fast food chains until you are 400lbs. Hire a Rickshaw for 8 cents a day. Bounce your fat ass around in an attempt to make the famished driver go insane. Realise, however, that they have been trained to cart around fat, lazy, over-liberated western fucks like you, and will not be phased by any 'whiteguy' stunts you may pull. You may eat gourmet meals while riding in the Rickshaw, however, under no circumstances should you share any portion of your meal with the famished negro that is carting you around town. That would be unethical.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 06, 2005 at 3:57 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.